Navigating the Unexpected

We were sitting on the couch ready to bring in the New Year like most parents of young children--very quietly.  We had perfectly timed watching a movie on Netflix until just before midnight; then we switched on New Years Rockin' Eve with Ryan Seacrest so that we could at least join the masses for the Big Countdown.

And then it hit me out of nowhere, unannounced.  Like it always does.

The burning weight in my throat.  The sting in my eyes.

As the clock was ticked down to 10 seconds left, I gasped an involuntary breath and held it.  2012 was mere moments from fading away, and I didn't want to let it go.  Panic gripped my mind.  I felt as long as I held my breath, I could somehow keep time frozen--in fact--rewind it.  As long as I held my breath, I had the power to keep a new year from starting. 

A new year that I have to start without my Mom.

And then I noticed that the clock was still ticking.  The world and the people in it were still moving.  As instantaneously as this grief swept me up in that moment, it was fleeting the next.  I exhaled.

This wasn't the first time an overwhelming wave of grief has hit me.  It's usually the most random, but normal every day things.  Ordering a Cherry Coke from Steak 'n' Shake.  Hearing a crack of thunder outside and expecting a phone call to chat about the weather.  Doing the laundry and seeing a shirt she bought one of the boys.  Hearing about a trade the Cardinals made, and wanting to discuss.  Dealing with a fussy baby, and wanting advice.

It can hit during the quiet of night before bed, or during the loudest of public events.

I've never grieved for someone I've loved so dearly, so strongly; my first best friend.  Learning how to navigate this journey has been difficult--but I truly feel the Lord guiding me.  I know that He has never left me, and He never will.  In my greatest hour of need, He is there.

For my birthday, my mother and father in law gave me a devotional book. It is called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.

It has been such a blessing to me, and I can already tell this will be a guide that I will read over and over in years to come.  On the inner dedication page, the author describes that her mother was her biggest encourager for writing this devotional.  Her mom kept the manuscript by her bed, and even had pages faxed daily to her while she lived far away.  Her mom died of cancer, and I can't help but feel a strong connection.  My mom instilled in me a great love for reading and writing, and always encouraged me in my creativity.

With "The Year of Firsts" ahead of me I know there are going to be many, many more moments of unexpected grief to come.  Some moments easier to deal with than others.  Some moments faster to deal with than others.  But I know that I won't face it alone.  Jesus will carry me.  I also have the greatest love from my husband, father, sisters, family, and friends.

Whatever is to come in 2013, I am so thankful that in spite of my imperfect self, the Father loves me more than I could ever love myself.  He knows me better than I could ever know myself.  He has had my life planned before time itself was created; and I trust that His plan is best...however difficult it may be sometimes to accept it.

Thanks for letting me express my heart.  I promise that I won't overwhelm this blog with such serious posts, but it does feel great to throw it out there.