Just wanted to jot down a few things about Sy for his 4 month birthday. I'm doing this from my phone so I don't have any pics to accompany.
Mr. Sawyer is such an awesome little (well, not so little) guy. He is SUCH a blessing and cuddle bug. We have called him a lot of different nicknames, but the ones that are sticking are: Sumo, Sybug (a nod to Wreck It Ralph, ha!), and The Syinator.
He hasn't gone in for his 4 month check up yet, but a few weeks ago when he had that awful respiratory virus he was tipping the scales at 16 lbs. So my guess is that he is about 17 or so by now. At least his height is increasing too. I had to put him in 6-9 month clothes because his poor toes were swollen and red from being squished into pajama legs.
Sy is smiling and laughing all the time now. He has a huge dimple on his right cheek; which reminds me of my Mom's dimples. :)
A lot of his baby hair has fallen out, but he still has a ton of dark hair on the top of his head and the nape of his neck. Kind of a reverse monk style, haha.
He has settled himself into a nice routine. He nurses about every 3 hours during the day, and about every 4-5 at night. Sy takes one big nap in the middle of the day, and sleeps really well at night. He goes to bed around 9pm and gets up around 8am; waking about 2 times to eat for only 10 min sessions. It is glorious. And I'm so thankful!!
He holds his head up really well; and can roll from his back to almost his tummy on both sides.
Sy's disposition is so easy going. At least for me anyways, haha. Overall he is pretty chill but if he does get fussy he is a momma's boy. I feel so bad when someone else has him when he's like that. He screams and screams. But all I have to do is hold him and he calms down.
Sy was doing good with taking a bottle, and then all of a sudden he went on strike. And of course it was when I went back to work. So for the first few days, he would NOT take it and miss both his feedings while I was gone. I felt so bad that he was going 6+ hours without eating. (not that he's in danger of wasting away, ha!)
So for now...whoever is watching him brings him up to my work and I nurse him there instead of taking pump breaks. I am SO thankful that my work is only 2 min away so we can do this. I know it doesn't help the bottle adjusting process (which we're still gonna work on) but it is a relief.
Still doesn't take a paci. Which I go back and forth on. Mav loved his paci and it made soothing him so easy. And--it was actually pretty easy to take it away. Sawyer loves to suck on his fingers...and I can't take those away, haha!
Sy LOVES baths. Mav to this day thinks they are cruel and unusual punishment. Sy just coos and smiles; even gets more relaxed. I love, love, love it. Knowing he's my last baby it makes soaking up these memories even more pleasant. He doesn't cry when its time to dry off either. Just lays there and smiles. :)
Sy still loves to be swaddled for his naps and bedtime. Which I'm not sure how much longer that's gonna happen. All of my swaddling blankets are almost too small. I have to stretch them pretty tight to wrap around him.
Mav loves his little brother so very much. I know that will change (at least on the surface) once Sy can play with his toys. Mav loves to be protective of him and try to play with him. My favorite thing is when Mav randomly says, "I love you Syinator". And Sawyer often smiles big when his big brother is nearby.
I know when I was pregnant and didn't know what we were having that I said I really wanted a daughter; but I simply cannot imagine life any other way. My boys are so awesome and I wouldn't change it for anything.
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Easter Baskets
This post is solely for me to lift a weight off my mind. It's just so therapeutic for me to sit down at a blank screen and type away. Typing without any sense or regard as to who might be reading it. Kinda like sending a message in a bottle out to sea, I guess.
Tonight I went to Target to pick up a few things, and since the kiddos were at home with Robbie, I enjoyed some rare time to just wander around the store.
I found my way to the part of the store where all the Valentine's day stuff was already 50% off (sheesh not even 24 hours have passed!), and they were setting up Easter goodies. My eyes glossed over all the pastel colors, chocolates, jelly beans, and plastic grasses. There were so many cute baskets, decorations, and fun treats displayed.
And then it hit me, unannounced, like always. I should have known. Because it always catches me off guard with the little things.
Admiring all the Easter goodies made me miss my Mom so terribly. I could literally feel my heart aching. My mind flashed back to all the Easter mornings when we awoke to beautiful baskets on the kitchen counter. What made them so beautiful was that my Mom would always pay special attention to what candies and various treats we liked, and tailor made them for each of us. You could really feel that she put them together with love.
My favorite part was hunting in the plastic grass for chocolate eggs. She always buried the chocolate eggs in the grass. When the basket looked empty, I would forage through that grass like it was my last meal and I always seemed to find at least one last egg.
Even as we grew older, she would still make Easter baskets for us. Over the years the contents would change slightly. Maybe throwing in new makeup for my sister, or a new movie for me. But always lots of yummy candy and chocolate. Chocolate was a must!
As a married woman living in my own house, I knew and greatly looked forward to the Easter basket that would be coming my way that afternoon for the family gathering. Age, schmage.
For Maverick's first two Easters, his basket was filled with little books and toys. It was so sweet! I'm sure she looooooved putting them together. Of course, I still got my chocolate...Momma never forgets! :)
Standing in the aisle, my mind raced to last Easter. She gave Mav the most awesome basket ever. The basket was a baseball (so, so cute!) and all the eggs were baseball shaped. That was the first Easter that Mav got candy in his basket (and I enjoyed my parental right of snooping through it). I'm so glad we still have it. Actually, the other day Mav was playing with the little baseball eggs.
Then my throat filled with a painful lump at the thought of her not being here for this Easter, and all the ones to come. I know it's somewhat selfish of me to think that way because she is with her Savior, and only knows of perfect love and peace in Heaven. But at the same time, I want her back so badly. I want her back to see her grandsons get their Easter baskets. I want her back so I can call her to talk about any and every thing. I want her back for so many reasons. Too many to type.
My eyes locked on to the floor tiles all the way to the check out lane. I didn't want anyone to see that I was on the brink of heavy tears. As the doors opened to the parking lot, and the cold, sharp air hit my face; my chest started heaving. I walked as fast as I could to my car so I could let it all out.
When I pulled into my driveway, my heart broke and I sobbed greatly. I called out to God, telling him how much I missed my Mom. Then I sat still, looking through the moonroof at all the stars in the sky. And I felt God wrapping me up in his arms. I felt like He was telling me He knows my pain, because He knows searing loss. His son died too.
And then He reminded me that His son now lives, and my Mom does too. In Heaven. Where there is no pain. No loss. No tears. No cancer. Just pure, unfiltered love.
Please don't misunderstand me. I'm not saying my Mom is on the same level as Jesus (at all!). But I really felt like God was speaking to me as a Dad who had gone through the suffering of losing his Son; so that I would know that He knows my pain as a Daughter who has lost her Mom.
I guess what my point is...is that God will always be there where we are; whatever we are going through. Because He has been through it. And He will bring us through it too.
Tonight I went to Target to pick up a few things, and since the kiddos were at home with Robbie, I enjoyed some rare time to just wander around the store.
I found my way to the part of the store where all the Valentine's day stuff was already 50% off (sheesh not even 24 hours have passed!), and they were setting up Easter goodies. My eyes glossed over all the pastel colors, chocolates, jelly beans, and plastic grasses. There were so many cute baskets, decorations, and fun treats displayed.
And then it hit me, unannounced, like always. I should have known. Because it always catches me off guard with the little things.
Admiring all the Easter goodies made me miss my Mom so terribly. I could literally feel my heart aching. My mind flashed back to all the Easter mornings when we awoke to beautiful baskets on the kitchen counter. What made them so beautiful was that my Mom would always pay special attention to what candies and various treats we liked, and tailor made them for each of us. You could really feel that she put them together with love.
My favorite part was hunting in the plastic grass for chocolate eggs. She always buried the chocolate eggs in the grass. When the basket looked empty, I would forage through that grass like it was my last meal and I always seemed to find at least one last egg.
Even as we grew older, she would still make Easter baskets for us. Over the years the contents would change slightly. Maybe throwing in new makeup for my sister, or a new movie for me. But always lots of yummy candy and chocolate. Chocolate was a must!
As a married woman living in my own house, I knew and greatly looked forward to the Easter basket that would be coming my way that afternoon for the family gathering. Age, schmage.
For Maverick's first two Easters, his basket was filled with little books and toys. It was so sweet! I'm sure she looooooved putting them together. Of course, I still got my chocolate...Momma never forgets! :)
Standing in the aisle, my mind raced to last Easter. She gave Mav the most awesome basket ever. The basket was a baseball (so, so cute!) and all the eggs were baseball shaped. That was the first Easter that Mav got candy in his basket (and I enjoyed my parental right of snooping through it). I'm so glad we still have it. Actually, the other day Mav was playing with the little baseball eggs.
Then my throat filled with a painful lump at the thought of her not being here for this Easter, and all the ones to come. I know it's somewhat selfish of me to think that way because she is with her Savior, and only knows of perfect love and peace in Heaven. But at the same time, I want her back so badly. I want her back to see her grandsons get their Easter baskets. I want her back so I can call her to talk about any and every thing. I want her back for so many reasons. Too many to type.
My eyes locked on to the floor tiles all the way to the check out lane. I didn't want anyone to see that I was on the brink of heavy tears. As the doors opened to the parking lot, and the cold, sharp air hit my face; my chest started heaving. I walked as fast as I could to my car so I could let it all out.
When I pulled into my driveway, my heart broke and I sobbed greatly. I called out to God, telling him how much I missed my Mom. Then I sat still, looking through the moonroof at all the stars in the sky. And I felt God wrapping me up in his arms. I felt like He was telling me He knows my pain, because He knows searing loss. His son died too.
And then He reminded me that His son now lives, and my Mom does too. In Heaven. Where there is no pain. No loss. No tears. No cancer. Just pure, unfiltered love.
Please don't misunderstand me. I'm not saying my Mom is on the same level as Jesus (at all!). But I really felt like God was speaking to me as a Dad who had gone through the suffering of losing his Son; so that I would know that He knows my pain as a Daughter who has lost her Mom.
I guess what my point is...is that God will always be there where we are; whatever we are going through. Because He has been through it. And He will bring us through it too.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
5 Spice Beef and Baked Crab Rangoon
Robbie and I were just talking the other day about how much we love, yet hate chinese food (well, the American version). So I was inspired to attempt some asian cuisine in this week's meal plan. The goal was delicious, a little more healthy, and not feeling hungry again an hour later. :)
Chinese 5 Spice Beef Kabobs
Okay, so the funny thing is that my beef was neither Chinese 5 spiced nor kabobbed. Robbie went grocery shopping and couldn't find the spice, even with the store's help. So I just grabbed 5 spices I thought would taste good together, ha! Onion powder, cumin, chili powder, ground ginger, and curry powder. I mixed a dash of all those together, then dry rubbed it on the beef sirloin strips. Next came a bath of low sodium soy sauce; and I let it sit until I was ready to pan sear it. Kabobs would've been cool except I forgot to write skewers on the grocery list.
After that I started my brown rice. I have never been able to cook brown rice properly...until tonight! Miraculously it turned out so fluffy and sweet. I guess the difference was I was so busy making the rangoons that I forgot about it. When I remembered, I just opened the lid and it was perfect. 1 1/2 cups of brown rice in 3 cups of water, for 45 min on the stovetop.
Baked Crab Rangoon
I put 8 oz of crab claw meat in a bowl with 2 1/2 tsp curry powder, 1 tsp ground ginger, and 1/2 tsp cayenne pepper. Mix well. Next was about 3 sprigs of green onions, chopped. (fact: green onions are my favorite ingredient ever! I try to fit them in wherever I can) Then fold in one 8 oz bar of cream cheese.
Spoon mixture into a wonton wrapper and fold it up. I tried the fancy star shape you get at the restaurant, but it was taking forever. So I just sort of squished all the sides together. :) Place them on a baking sheet and throw them in the oven for about 10-15 min at 375 degrees.
While those were baking, I cooked up the beef strips over medium heat on the stove.
I couldn't have timed everything better. The rice, rangoons, and beef all finished cooking within minutes of each other. Another miracle! :)
The beef cooked up nice and tender, and as I said the rice was a divine intervention. My only reservation was the rangoon. I guess I'm just used to the sweet rangoons from our favorite place.
Don't get me wrong, they were tasty. But they were VERY savory instead of sweet.
Next time I think I'll try cream cheese and crab only. Oh and green onions.
Hey, it's still healthier than the fried ones!
Chinese 5 Spice Beef Kabobs
Okay, so the funny thing is that my beef was neither Chinese 5 spiced nor kabobbed. Robbie went grocery shopping and couldn't find the spice, even with the store's help. So I just grabbed 5 spices I thought would taste good together, ha! Onion powder, cumin, chili powder, ground ginger, and curry powder. I mixed a dash of all those together, then dry rubbed it on the beef sirloin strips. Next came a bath of low sodium soy sauce; and I let it sit until I was ready to pan sear it. Kabobs would've been cool except I forgot to write skewers on the grocery list.
After that I started my brown rice. I have never been able to cook brown rice properly...until tonight! Miraculously it turned out so fluffy and sweet. I guess the difference was I was so busy making the rangoons that I forgot about it. When I remembered, I just opened the lid and it was perfect. 1 1/2 cups of brown rice in 3 cups of water, for 45 min on the stovetop.
Baked Crab Rangoon
I put 8 oz of crab claw meat in a bowl with 2 1/2 tsp curry powder, 1 tsp ground ginger, and 1/2 tsp cayenne pepper. Mix well. Next was about 3 sprigs of green onions, chopped. (fact: green onions are my favorite ingredient ever! I try to fit them in wherever I can) Then fold in one 8 oz bar of cream cheese.
Spoon mixture into a wonton wrapper and fold it up. I tried the fancy star shape you get at the restaurant, but it was taking forever. So I just sort of squished all the sides together. :) Place them on a baking sheet and throw them in the oven for about 10-15 min at 375 degrees.
While those were baking, I cooked up the beef strips over medium heat on the stove.
I couldn't have timed everything better. The rice, rangoons, and beef all finished cooking within minutes of each other. Another miracle! :)
The beef cooked up nice and tender, and as I said the rice was a divine intervention. My only reservation was the rangoon. I guess I'm just used to the sweet rangoons from our favorite place.
Don't get me wrong, they were tasty. But they were VERY savory instead of sweet.
Next time I think I'll try cream cheese and crab only. Oh and green onions.
Hey, it's still healthier than the fried ones!
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
First Mobile Post and Yummy Food!
Maybe my blogging frequency will increase now that I've downloaded the Blogger app! This could be fun! The only thing I don't like is that I can't put pictures between text...unless I just haven't figured out how to do it.
Whilst making dinner tonight I was inspired to blog about my Pinterest recipes. I know I'm nowhere near the first person to blog about recipes, documenting Pinterest inspired activities, or the combination of the two...but what the heck, right?
I don't know how people planned meals before Pinterest, ha! No worries I'm not abandoning my shelf of cook books yet.
Tonight's meal: Salmon and Asparagus
The recipe called for a cold oven bake. Which I've tried before with bacon, and its ridiculously tasty. Cold oven baking is when you put the food into a cold oven and then set the temp.
Aside from the fish and veggies, my ingredients were olive oil, butter, ground black pepper, ground sea salt, and fresh garlic.
I drizzled the olive oil, pepper, and salt on the salmon filets. Then I put it in the cold oven and set the temp to 400 degrees. Once it hit 400, it was about 25 minutes until they were done. My pictures show a couple test holes since I'm still learning how to tell when fish is done.
For the asparagus I chopped up a few cloves of garlic, added some tabs of butter, and some sea salt before tossing it in the oven with the fish. I guess it ended up cooking for about 25-30 minutes.
Turned out so yummy! The fish was flaky and sweet like candy. The asparagus was crunchy, yet softened with butter. An overall quick and easy weeknight fix!
Whilst making dinner tonight I was inspired to blog about my Pinterest recipes. I know I'm nowhere near the first person to blog about recipes, documenting Pinterest inspired activities, or the combination of the two...but what the heck, right?
I don't know how people planned meals before Pinterest, ha! No worries I'm not abandoning my shelf of cook books yet.
Tonight's meal: Salmon and Asparagus
The recipe called for a cold oven bake. Which I've tried before with bacon, and its ridiculously tasty. Cold oven baking is when you put the food into a cold oven and then set the temp.
Aside from the fish and veggies, my ingredients were olive oil, butter, ground black pepper, ground sea salt, and fresh garlic.
I drizzled the olive oil, pepper, and salt on the salmon filets. Then I put it in the cold oven and set the temp to 400 degrees. Once it hit 400, it was about 25 minutes until they were done. My pictures show a couple test holes since I'm still learning how to tell when fish is done.
For the asparagus I chopped up a few cloves of garlic, added some tabs of butter, and some sea salt before tossing it in the oven with the fish. I guess it ended up cooking for about 25-30 minutes.
Turned out so yummy! The fish was flaky and sweet like candy. The asparagus was crunchy, yet softened with butter. An overall quick and easy weeknight fix!
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
30 within 30
I guess I'm a little late on making, let alone doing everything on, a "30 before 30" list. But I'm inspired to at least write one out and go from there. So I'll call mine "30 within 30" to give me a little wiggle room. I just turned 29 about a month ago...so I'll wiggle it to completing before turning 31. :)
If checking off items from this list is like writing my college papers, then procrastinating will be my key to awesomeness.
I scribbled this down on paper first, just writing whatever popped into my head and not focusing on ranking. Trying to rank what I want to do most and/or what's most important is nearly impossible. Of course relationships take precedent over hobbies and the like, but I think that kinda goes without saying.
So without much further ado, here's my list.
If checking off items from this list is like writing my college papers, then procrastinating will be my key to awesomeness.
I scribbled this down on paper first, just writing whatever popped into my head and not focusing on ranking. Trying to rank what I want to do most and/or what's most important is nearly impossible. Of course relationships take precedent over hobbies and the like, but I think that kinda goes without saying.
So without much further ado, here's my list.
- Spend more quality time with Robbie. Because babies, toddlers, working full time, and other general life responsibilities take up too much time.
- Take more pictures with my kids, family, and friends. I'm always behind the camera. And truthfully, I hate my picture taken. But I know my boys would probably like having them as they grow. I treasure all the photos I have of my Mom, especially ones of us together.
- Not be so addicted to my phone. This is a bad one. I'm terrible. It's always close. And I'm embarrassed to admit I'm on it sometimes while playing with Mav. Yuck.
- Learn how to wear make up. Robbie would disagree with this one. He likes that I don't wear it and thinks I don't need it. But I've never learned how to do it properly and I'm curious to know what looks good on me. And it feels nice to get fancy every once in a while!
- Read my Bible and/or devotional more. I miss being so submersed into the Word, and I can really feel when it's been too long. I should be so familiar with God's Word that it's the first thing that comes to mind, every time, in all things.
- Run in some sort of organized race. Between pregnancies, I was really getting set into a running routine. I was losing weight and just generally feeling better. I loved the feeling of making myself take one more step, going just a little further. I'd like to aim towards a half marathon, but a 5 or 10k would be awesome too.
- Shoot more. And get my conceal & carry license. I love going shooting, especially with my Dad. Haven't been in a while cause preggos can't be on the line. I doubt if I'll actually ever carry, but it would be nice to have the option. And it's my 2nd Amendment right.
- Get to know my neighbors. It's sad. We've been in our house over 5 years and I can't remember all of my immediate neighbor's names. Granted, all of them are elderly and they aren't out of their houses much...but still not an excuse.
- Take a cooking class. I love, love, love to cook. It would be fun to take a technique class and learn more about the art of cooking.
- Connect and serve more at church. I don't like that I don't know very many people at church and we've been attending for almost 2 years. Having little ones makes it hard. Gotta start small I suppose.
- Visit the giraffes at the Zoo as much as possible. Maverick and Sawyer have been named "parents" of a giraffe at the Zoo in my Mom's memory; and many people have donated to the Zoo in my Mom's memory. I want to take the boys to see the display of Grandma's name, and see "their" giraffe in person. Also, being close to the giraffes makes my heart smile and warm memories of Mom flood my mind. :)
- Wear my hair down more, and fix it up more. I guess this is in the same vein as make up. 99% of the time it's just up in a ponytail or bun. It's just nice to learn how to make it pretty.
- Read more books. Growing up I always had my nose in a book. One of my most favorite birthday gifts I've ever received was the whole hardcover set of The Chronicles of Narnia. I miss transporting myself into new places through text.
- Follow Cardinals baseball more closely. This one probably will make everyone laugh since it seems like I follow it obsessively. I just want to fully geek out about it all. Read up and memorize stats. Follow the farm league to see who's coming up. I want to be the little old granny at the ballpark who can school anyone, anytime, anywhere.
- Take the kids to more community events. Especially now that Mav is old enough to get more involved and have fun.
- Go on vacation. A real vacation. I haven't been on one since our honeymoon to Chicago. I want to go to Cardinals' spring training. I would also love to go to the Baseball Hall of Fame again. A beach is excellent too.
- Hang out and talk with my family more. Because they are awesome, and I love them. And I only get one family to spend time with. I also want my boys to grow up knowing all of their family well.
- Get re-certified in Skywarn. Besides baseball, my other most favorite thing is meteorology. I was a certified storm spotter in college. I miss going out and chasing storms, taking pictures. It's been so long since I've used my spotter identification, I don't even know if it's good anymore. Boo.
- Finish at least 1 home improvement project. We bought our house well below the appraised value. But the real price was having an ugly, outdated home. We started so many projects at once to overhaul the ugliness...but haven't finished them in years. Something about having kids...
- Write and send letters of encouragement. I have done this a little in the past, and it was so great. My Mom was so super awesome at it, and I can't tell you how many people shared with me at her visitation how she would always send them cards and letters.
- Plant flowers. And keep them alive. I've always been envious of yards with flowers, they look so pretty! I've tried a few times to have flowers and I have the blackest thumb ever. Makes me sad. Maybe I should take a basic gardening class, ha!
- Hang out and talk with friends more. I have the greatest friends ever, ever. And I hate that we don't get to see them very often with everyone being so busy and such. It's kinda cool now that our kids are getting old enough to entertain themselves, so us adults can actually interact! :)
- Organize my paper life. It's bad. I mean, I have a filing system that I started in college. Yep, college...so it's overflowing. I get all sorts of stuff in the mail, which goes to the kitchen table, which every few months gets filed into an overflowing filing cart. Yikes.
- Write in my journal more. I've kept a diary/journal since 4th grade, and I love that I have a whole shelf full of memories. I usually find a few minutes late at night to write, and end up falling asleep--or currently being summoned by a crying baby--before finishing. SO many things I don't want to forget, and be able to read about years from now.
- Wear more skirts and dresses. They are so cute and comfy. I have a ton that don't fit, but are too beautiful to let go. Inspiration for getting back on my running routine!
- Sing more. One thing that I miss is not singing in a church choir, but my church doesn't have one. I have so many great memories of singing with my Mom. She was the one who nudged me into singing in High School, and I ended up I guess being sort of good at it (according to my choir teacher). But it's been so long!
- Improve punctuality. Notice I didn't say stop being late, ha!! Small steps. Oh man, I used to be at least 10 minutes early to everything. Now I'm lucky to be 10 minutes late. Better planning needed!
- Read more comic books. When Robbie was going through chemotherapy treatments, his buddies gave him a ton of comic books to read. Unfortunately he was too nauseated to do anything. I picked one up one day, and couldn't put them down. Finished them all. I'm craving some more.
- Renew my teaching certificate. Having been in a non-certified position for 4 years now, my teaching certificate expired. Fortunately all I have to do is take either a couple college courses, or attend so many professional development hours and I can renew it. Actually, I think I want to expand my certification to Early Childhood since that's what I've been doing the past 4 years anyway; and hopefully move into a certified position once the boys are in school.
- Be more Christ-like to my family and friends. I pray every day for my boys to accept Jesus, and grow up to be men of faith. And I want them to see Christ in me; to see it every day of the week, in the good and bad. I want to show Christ's love, and what He has done in my life to my friends and coworkers, without having to say one word. To have the right attitude and perspective all the time, and show love to everyone all the time. I know I'm far from perfect, and won't ever be; but I want to try my best.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Navigating the Unexpected
We were sitting on the couch ready to bring in the New Year like most parents of young children--very quietly. We had perfectly timed watching a movie on Netflix until just before midnight; then we switched on New Years Rockin' Eve with Ryan Seacrest so that we could at least join the masses for the Big Countdown.
And then it hit me out of nowhere, unannounced. Like it always does.
The burning weight in my throat. The sting in my eyes.
As the clock was ticked down to 10 seconds left, I gasped an involuntary breath and held it. 2012 was mere moments from fading away, and I didn't want to let it go. Panic gripped my mind. I felt as long as I held my breath, I could somehow keep time frozen--in fact--rewind it. As long as I held my breath, I had the power to keep a new year from starting.
A new year that I have to start without my Mom.
And then I noticed that the clock was still ticking. The world and the people in it were still moving. As instantaneously as this grief swept me up in that moment, it was fleeting the next. I exhaled.
This wasn't the first time an overwhelming wave of grief has hit me. It's usually the most random, but normal every day things. Ordering a Cherry Coke from Steak 'n' Shake. Hearing a crack of thunder outside and expecting a phone call to chat about the weather. Doing the laundry and seeing a shirt she bought one of the boys. Hearing about a trade the Cardinals made, and wanting to discuss. Dealing with a fussy baby, and wanting advice.
It can hit during the quiet of night before bed, or during the loudest of public events.
I've never grieved for someone I've loved so dearly, so strongly; my first best friend. Learning how to navigate this journey has been difficult--but I truly feel the Lord guiding me. I know that He has never left me, and He never will. In my greatest hour of need, He is there.
For my birthday, my mother and father in law gave me a devotional book. It is called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.
It has been such a blessing to me, and I can already tell this will be a guide that I will read over and over in years to come. On the inner dedication page, the author describes that her mother was her biggest encourager for writing this devotional. Her mom kept the manuscript by her bed, and even had pages faxed daily to her while she lived far away. Her mom died of cancer, and I can't help but feel a strong connection. My mom instilled in me a great love for reading and writing, and always encouraged me in my creativity.
With "The Year of Firsts" ahead of me I know there are going to be many, many more moments of unexpected grief to come. Some moments easier to deal with than others. Some moments faster to deal with than others. But I know that I won't face it alone. Jesus will carry me. I also have the greatest love from my husband, father, sisters, family, and friends.
Whatever is to come in 2013, I am so thankful that in spite of my imperfect self, the Father loves me more than I could ever love myself. He knows me better than I could ever know myself. He has had my life planned before time itself was created; and I trust that His plan is best...however difficult it may be sometimes to accept it.
Thanks for letting me express my heart. I promise that I won't overwhelm this blog with such serious posts, but it does feel great to throw it out there.
And then it hit me out of nowhere, unannounced. Like it always does.
The burning weight in my throat. The sting in my eyes.
As the clock was ticked down to 10 seconds left, I gasped an involuntary breath and held it. 2012 was mere moments from fading away, and I didn't want to let it go. Panic gripped my mind. I felt as long as I held my breath, I could somehow keep time frozen--in fact--rewind it. As long as I held my breath, I had the power to keep a new year from starting.
A new year that I have to start without my Mom.
And then I noticed that the clock was still ticking. The world and the people in it were still moving. As instantaneously as this grief swept me up in that moment, it was fleeting the next. I exhaled.
This wasn't the first time an overwhelming wave of grief has hit me. It's usually the most random, but normal every day things. Ordering a Cherry Coke from Steak 'n' Shake. Hearing a crack of thunder outside and expecting a phone call to chat about the weather. Doing the laundry and seeing a shirt she bought one of the boys. Hearing about a trade the Cardinals made, and wanting to discuss. Dealing with a fussy baby, and wanting advice.
It can hit during the quiet of night before bed, or during the loudest of public events.
I've never grieved for someone I've loved so dearly, so strongly; my first best friend. Learning how to navigate this journey has been difficult--but I truly feel the Lord guiding me. I know that He has never left me, and He never will. In my greatest hour of need, He is there.
For my birthday, my mother and father in law gave me a devotional book. It is called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.
It has been such a blessing to me, and I can already tell this will be a guide that I will read over and over in years to come. On the inner dedication page, the author describes that her mother was her biggest encourager for writing this devotional. Her mom kept the manuscript by her bed, and even had pages faxed daily to her while she lived far away. Her mom died of cancer, and I can't help but feel a strong connection. My mom instilled in me a great love for reading and writing, and always encouraged me in my creativity.
With "The Year of Firsts" ahead of me I know there are going to be many, many more moments of unexpected grief to come. Some moments easier to deal with than others. Some moments faster to deal with than others. But I know that I won't face it alone. Jesus will carry me. I also have the greatest love from my husband, father, sisters, family, and friends.
Whatever is to come in 2013, I am so thankful that in spite of my imperfect self, the Father loves me more than I could ever love myself. He knows me better than I could ever know myself. He has had my life planned before time itself was created; and I trust that His plan is best...however difficult it may be sometimes to accept it.
Thanks for letting me express my heart. I promise that I won't overwhelm this blog with such serious posts, but it does feel great to throw it out there.
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