Time is such a complex thing for me right now. It tethers us here on this Earth. It defines us. We mark the very first moment of life, and our last breath with it. On our gravestone, our entire existence is defined by 2 dates...with a dash in between. Crazy that an entire lifetime is defined as one dash. One tiny little dash.
As a Christian, it's always been difficult for me to wrap my head around God's omnipotence. How is it possible that He is outside of time? I know that He doesn't expect, or need me to understand how He works. He just needs me to Trust in Him. And I do. With all my heart...even though it's kicking and screaming sometimes.
Right now I'm kicking and screaming for many reasons. Never, ever, ever, could I have imagined that I would have to watch my mom endure an aggressive cancer overwhelming and ravaging her body. To witness how the very medicines that are trying to stop it from growing are making her so fragile and weak. I scream at God that it's not fair, that it shouldn't happen to her--my precious and sweet Mother. My Mom who has been (and still is) an unwavering beacon of faith my whole life.
Time is something I wish I could control.
I desperately want to speed it up so that my sweet baby boy will be born and here with us (I'm 36 weeks on Sunday); especially so that my mom can see & hold him. However, with every minor pain or small contraction I plead for him to stay in there longer because at this exact moment, while Mom is still in the hospital, she wouldn't be able to.
I desperately want to slow time down. With each day that passes, that's another day closer to losing my mom. However, this is true for everyone. It's just more visible for us--the path. It's an odd thing when someone close to you is diagnosed with a terminal illness. You don't want a time frame to define things--and you don't let it or focus on it. At the same time, it makes you cherish every single moment with that person. Like taking pictures and video of the most mundane things; eating a favorite meal with them; cherishing a phone call; embracing a hug. In a way, it's a blessing. There are so many people who wish they would've known it would be the last time to do something with their loved one.
I cling to the truth that God never intended for pain, sickness, and death to invade this Earth. It's the only thing sustaining me right now. Cancer and it's ugliest manifests were not originally in the plan; our bodies not originally designed to succumb to disease and pain. But then sin entered the world.
There are no words to describe my heart and feelings of the past 4 months--from her phone call about a sore throat to now laying in a hospital hooked up to machines. But I know that God loves me, my mom, and everyone more than we could love ourselves; more than we can love others. As great and agonizing as my pain is, God's is greater. For He created us in His image, and loves us so much more than we can fathom.
And He promises that one day it will be all be right again. There WILL be no more pain, sickness, death, or sorrow. No more wrestling with time. No more limitations set by these bodies. All because Jesus paid the price for that sin entering the world. All we have to do is believe.
One of my biggest trepidations is for someone to see that our prayer requests for my mom's healing from cancer are not being heard or answered by God. That--in their eyes--they would only see God turning His back since her cancer is actually growing.
That's not the case, He hasn't turned His back. His answer is just different than the one we are asking for--and I'm not saying that I don't struggle with that on a daily basis. But I do know He is the one carrying us through this trial and I have to trust in Him. For reasons that I will probably never know while I'm on this Earth--this is His plan for our family.
In ALL things I want to glorify the Lord. From the greatest of joys to the gut wrenching despairs.
When I'm weak, He is strong.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Friday, October 5, 2012
An Extraordinary Ordinary Night
Tonight was just one of those nights that I don't ever want to forget.
About a week ago when it looked all but certain that the Cardinals would be playing in the inaugural Wild Card Game, my mom and I were already planning our traditional family Cards game party. For all the big ones--Opening Day, All Star Game, Playoffs; and all the little ones in between during the season; our tradition is enjoying Cecil Whittakers Pizza and watching the game. Opening Day is usually celebrated at the restaurant, and we bring it home for the Playoffs because we can get kinda rowdy...make that really rowdy, ha!
Cardinals baseball is such an integral part of our family. It's kinda hard to explain...it is...and it isn't so much about the actual game. Everyone shares the same excitement and love for it, and rattling off all sorts of quirky stats and such.
The best thing about it all, is the memories we make. Every family has that one special thing. Ours is Cardinals baseball.
Going into tonight, I knew I wasn't going to be too upset if they lost. I cared more about spending time with my mom, and the rest of our family. Just the opportunity to all be together, and to not take for granted the time we have. The one thing I forgot about, was that my mom had chemotherapy scheduled today. I knew she had another treatment soon, but couldn't quite remember when. So when she called to say they would be late getting home due to a longer than normal chemo session, I felt bad for forgetting. I didn't want her to feel like we had to keep our plans, I wanted her to be able to come home and relax. But she was adamant about still having our little party, and told us to let ourselves into their house and they'd meet us there.
Her only hesitation was having Maverick see her for the first time with her new hairdo. In less than a week, it had all pretty much fallen out. She was so apprehensive about upsetting Mav, and cared so much about HIS feelings, just like the best grandma that she is.
This was just last Saturday, when Mav went over to their house to pick his pumpkin out of my Dad's garden. He was so excited to bring it inside and show Grandma!
My Mom is the most brave person I know, and today was a huge step in her journey. She asked my Dad to shave (buzz) her hair since it was falling out so rapidly. I know that it didn't come without many tears and heartache. Even though she knew this day would come, and that it's just a temporary side effect of the medicine, it's incredibly difficult as a woman to lose your hair.
When my mom walked into the house, Mav kinda took a second glance but didn't seem too concerned. He went right back to playing with his Hotwheels. A few minutes later, he stood up and went over to her and stared for a little bit longer.
And then he said, "Grandma fix her hair?"
My mom replied, "Yeah, I fixed my hair."
Mav, "Grandma use the buzzers?"
Mom, "Yep, Grandma used the buzzers. Do you like it?"
Mav, "Yes!"
And that was that. Mav and Grandma played with his dump trucks and cars again. It completely melted my heart. I was so blessed by how relieved my mom felt, and so blessed by my son's natural ability to look past appearances.
Shortly thereafter my Mom asked if I could take her picture and post it on Facebook. I think she was just really ready to get the big reveal out of the way--it was important for her and dealing with the enormity of it all. I am so proud of her!!! Love you so much Momma!
The rest of the night we spent on pins and needles watching the most crazy, crazy, playoff game ever. (My Dad is still arguing that it was NOT a playoff game. He refuses to accept the new Wild Card system, ha!) Mav was having an awesome time watching all the adults in his life yell at the tv, haha! He also had SO much fun playing with Grandma, Grandpa, and Aunt Robyn. His little cheeks were pink from all the excitement.
I'm not one to think that sports games are all that important to God. At least, not in the way that we'd hope while we're pleading for our team to win in the most desperate moment. But I do know that God loves us in an incredible way, and that He cares about the things we care about. Like I said, I knew tonight would be great even if the Cards lost. An evening full of amazing family memories. But maybe...just maybe...God helped us out a little bit more than the Braves on behalf of my mommy. ;)
About a week ago when it looked all but certain that the Cardinals would be playing in the inaugural Wild Card Game, my mom and I were already planning our traditional family Cards game party. For all the big ones--Opening Day, All Star Game, Playoffs; and all the little ones in between during the season; our tradition is enjoying Cecil Whittakers Pizza and watching the game. Opening Day is usually celebrated at the restaurant, and we bring it home for the Playoffs because we can get kinda rowdy...make that really rowdy, ha!
Cardinals baseball is such an integral part of our family. It's kinda hard to explain...it is...and it isn't so much about the actual game. Everyone shares the same excitement and love for it, and rattling off all sorts of quirky stats and such.
The best thing about it all, is the memories we make. Every family has that one special thing. Ours is Cardinals baseball.
Going into tonight, I knew I wasn't going to be too upset if they lost. I cared more about spending time with my mom, and the rest of our family. Just the opportunity to all be together, and to not take for granted the time we have. The one thing I forgot about, was that my mom had chemotherapy scheduled today. I knew she had another treatment soon, but couldn't quite remember when. So when she called to say they would be late getting home due to a longer than normal chemo session, I felt bad for forgetting. I didn't want her to feel like we had to keep our plans, I wanted her to be able to come home and relax. But she was adamant about still having our little party, and told us to let ourselves into their house and they'd meet us there.
Her only hesitation was having Maverick see her for the first time with her new hairdo. In less than a week, it had all pretty much fallen out. She was so apprehensive about upsetting Mav, and cared so much about HIS feelings, just like the best grandma that she is.
This was just last Saturday, when Mav went over to their house to pick his pumpkin out of my Dad's garden. He was so excited to bring it inside and show Grandma!
My Mom is the most brave person I know, and today was a huge step in her journey. She asked my Dad to shave (buzz) her hair since it was falling out so rapidly. I know that it didn't come without many tears and heartache. Even though she knew this day would come, and that it's just a temporary side effect of the medicine, it's incredibly difficult as a woman to lose your hair.
When my mom walked into the house, Mav kinda took a second glance but didn't seem too concerned. He went right back to playing with his Hotwheels. A few minutes later, he stood up and went over to her and stared for a little bit longer.
And then he said, "Grandma fix her hair?"
My mom replied, "Yeah, I fixed my hair."
Mav, "Grandma use the buzzers?"
Mom, "Yep, Grandma used the buzzers. Do you like it?"
Mav, "Yes!"
And that was that. Mav and Grandma played with his dump trucks and cars again. It completely melted my heart. I was so blessed by how relieved my mom felt, and so blessed by my son's natural ability to look past appearances.
Shortly thereafter my Mom asked if I could take her picture and post it on Facebook. I think she was just really ready to get the big reveal out of the way--it was important for her and dealing with the enormity of it all. I am so proud of her!!! Love you so much Momma!
The rest of the night we spent on pins and needles watching the most crazy, crazy, playoff game ever. (My Dad is still arguing that it was NOT a playoff game. He refuses to accept the new Wild Card system, ha!) Mav was having an awesome time watching all the adults in his life yell at the tv, haha! He also had SO much fun playing with Grandma, Grandpa, and Aunt Robyn. His little cheeks were pink from all the excitement.
I'm not one to think that sports games are all that important to God. At least, not in the way that we'd hope while we're pleading for our team to win in the most desperate moment. But I do know that God loves us in an incredible way, and that He cares about the things we care about. Like I said, I knew tonight would be great even if the Cards lost. An evening full of amazing family memories. But maybe...just maybe...God helped us out a little bit more than the Braves on behalf of my mommy. ;)
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