Time

Time is such a complex thing for me right now.  It tethers us here on this Earth.  It defines us.  We mark the very first moment of life, and our last breath with it.  On our gravestone, our entire existence is defined by 2 dates...with a dash in between.  Crazy that an entire lifetime is defined as one dash.  One tiny little dash.

As a Christian, it's always been difficult for me to wrap my head around God's omnipotence.  How is it possible that He is outside of time?  I know that He doesn't expect, or need me to understand how He works.  He just needs me to Trust in Him.  And I do.  With all my heart...even though it's kicking and screaming sometimes.

Right now I'm kicking and screaming for many reasons.  Never, ever, ever, could I have imagined that I would have to watch my mom endure an aggressive cancer overwhelming and ravaging her body.  To witness how the very medicines that are trying to stop it from growing are making her so fragile and weak. I scream at God that it's not fair, that it shouldn't happen to her--my precious and sweet Mother.  My Mom who has been (and still is) an unwavering beacon of faith my whole life.

Time is something I wish I could control. 

I desperately want to speed it up so that my sweet baby boy will be born and here with us (I'm 36 weeks on Sunday); especially so that my mom can see & hold him.  However, with every minor pain or small contraction I plead for him to stay in there longer because at this exact moment, while Mom is still in the hospital, she wouldn't be able to.

I desperately want to slow time down.  With each day that passes, that's another day closer to losing my mom.  However, this is true for everyone.  It's just more visible for us--the path.  It's an odd thing when someone close to you is diagnosed with a terminal illness.  You don't want a time frame to define things--and you don't let it or focus on it.  At the same time, it makes you cherish every single moment with that person.  Like taking pictures and video of the most mundane things; eating a favorite meal with them; cherishing a phone call; embracing a hug.  In a way, it's a blessing.  There are so many people who wish they would've known it would be the last time to do something with their loved one.

I cling to the truth that God never intended for pain, sickness, and death to invade this Earth.  It's the only thing sustaining me right now.  Cancer and it's ugliest manifests were not originally in the plan; our bodies not originally designed to succumb to disease and pain.  But then sin entered the world.

There are no words to describe my heart and feelings of the past 4 months--from her phone call about a sore throat to now laying in a hospital hooked up to machines.  But I know that God loves me, my mom, and everyone more than we could love ourselves; more than we can love others.  As great and agonizing as my pain is, God's is greater.  For He created us in His image, and loves us so much more than we can fathom.

And He promises that one day it will be all be right again.  There WILL be no more pain, sickness, death, or sorrow.  No more wrestling with time.  No more limitations set by these bodies.  All because Jesus paid the price for that sin entering the world.  All we have to do is believe.

One of my biggest trepidations is for someone to see that our prayer requests for my mom's healing from cancer are not being heard or answered by God.  That--in their eyes--they would only see God turning His back since her cancer is actually growing.

That's not the case, He hasn't turned His back.  His answer is just different than the one we are asking for--and I'm not saying that I don't struggle with that on a daily basis.  But I do know He is the one carrying us through this trial and I have to trust in Him.  For reasons that I will probably never know while I'm on this Earth--this is His plan for our family. 

In ALL things I want to glorify the Lord.  From the greatest of joys to the gut wrenching despairs.

When I'm weak, He is strong.